Off.the.Record

Holiday Part C: Chinese
31.1.07

Finally, after week by week, tomorrow would be the end of my suffering^^…

This holiday I have been learning Chinese very hard. I had a Chinese tutor 2 times a week in a 3-week time. I admit to working hard enough in order to progress fast. I am taking Chinese unit as my minor subject next semester. And I believe I may have a placement test to choose the right level for me. Of course, I don’t want to start from the beginner level.

“我前年学华文差不多两年了。” I have forgotten most of the Chinese characters I had learnt. I couldn’t even make the right sentence structure. That’s why I didn’t dare to say a word in Chinese. Well, it wasn’t that bad. I understand when people speak in simple-basic Chinese. It’s just… I don’t feel confident if the words I utter can’t get across.

Anyways, enough with my Chinese background!! Tomorrow will be my last Chinese lesson (it’s the third week)!! I still have one more week holiday, but I want to end it A.S.A.P. Chinese is eating my head. Arghh.. It has taken so much time of mine. I’m really into Chinese. I can’t study Japanese or my next PR units at the same time. It’s not 我老师 fault. She never told me to do that much. It’s me! Annice really feels that she must be able to speak this language!! Yap! Honestly, I really think I could have been able to speak in Chinese if…Ok! Don’t want to regret anything. It’s just… I feel something deep in my heart provoking me… mmm… it’s like my ego that I MUST understand Chinese. Strange, huh?!

So, 我满意了I have done 复习 quite a lot, learnt more usage and detailed sentence structure. Simply speaking, I have made good progress. I am not making a flattering remark, it’s just a self-evaluation. I know it’s such a long way to go to be able to speak like Li-Shan, or Shu Yan, or may be Apple. Wow! But, (I am not being boastful) my tutor said that I learn quite fast. Hehe… (remind me to stay grounded) I am happy!! So… Annice is motivated to achieve her dream!!

Annice @ 1:30 am
God loves you always
------------

It Was a Nightmare
27.1.07

May be I am too worried, may be I am too sick of the whole situation, I myself don’t know why I dreamt of ‘fight’. God knows me better. Indeed, it was a nightmare that I still remember until now.

I can’t remember the exact day I had my nightmare. I was trying to forget it, comforting myself that it won’t happen in my real life. However, it looked so real until I could feel the fear in my sleep. I always think of the possible causes for that happening in the future. And the more I think of it, the more I feel helpless with it.

I don’t like to say it… that I had a big fight with Mom. Even though it was just a dream, it was too real with all the possible reasons behind it. Perhaps you question, isn’t it easier to simply forget it if it means nothing to you? Yap, that’s true. If there is no way it could happen, I will just forget it.

But, the thing is I really can’t say much about ‘the reason’. Simply speaking, Mom and I have different view on life, the purpose of it, etc. I don’t blame her for it, nor feel guilty because I’m different from her. In the end, she’s still my mom. I am always proud of her for having brought me up.

Annice @ 8:37 pm
God loves you always
------------

Holiday Part B: Orphanage
11.1.07

Ok…so let’s start with the story that I think it has touched my heart, or else it gives me inspiration for my future. It doesn’t mean I never went to an orphanage before. I have been there for several times, to many different places in my city. Well, I’ll tell you what makes it different from the previous ones.

Nothing special with the orphanage, at the very most it only accommodates for boys. So can you imagine I became the prettiest girl among the guys (lame^^). There are about 20 boys aged 4-12; the other 20 guys are in their teens. And of course, I wasn’t alone by myself visiting them. A few days back, my good friend, Ellysia, asked me to join her and her cousin to support some of the orphans in their education. The cousin is the member of Christian fellowship in the US. He was just the representative to bring the fund back to Indonesia and give it to the right one. So basically Elis and I were there to help. On top of everything, they would provide scholarships and other relating important stuff to them.

In the beginning I didn’t know how it was going to work, as in how they were going to transfer the funds, how many people were receiving the scholarships, etc. Until the day when we visited the orphanage, I discovered that we had a small show for them, then followed by presentation of the scholarships.

When the presentation was given, there was one thing that drew my attention. Not only they gave them financial support, but they also encouraged them in being responsible for their education and future. Isn’t it easier to just give away the scholarship? Done!! The presentation went quite long. Many questions arose. Some asked about the faculty (the course) relating to their interests, others asked about the qualifications to get into their dream universities. Additionally, the fellowship would support high school and universities fees only, which I think they are more than enough. Furthermore, only those people who are recommended by their ‘captain’ (i.e. a leader in each different group) got the scholarship. There is no limited numbers for the scholarship given. It’s like the phrase “where there is a will, there is a way”, the fellowship will put efforts in raising funds for the education fees if the orphan boys have strong willingness to achieve their dreams.

I was thinking of what they (as in Ellysia’s cousin, his fellowhip members, and all the people who carried out the show) had been doing. I reflected on myself doing charities. My family (well, actually it’s mom and I) did give some money to charity at least once a year. We sent boxes of instant noodle and sometimes unused clothes to them. But the question is… do you know if there are other more important things than those? They are different individual; and I believe they need different things too. I am not blaming my family for that. I am just thinking if we would like to give, do the best as you can. Sometimes we don’t care of what people needs. We give because we feel it is good to do that; because we have to do so?? I don’t know what you’re guys thinking. My point is… sacrifice a bit more of your time, do care of others, and love them like the way you do it to yourself.

Hehe…I am not just telling you. I am talking to myself as well. It’s hard to practice; but I want to learn. As I told you before, it inspires me. Well, at least it inspired me to write a story ^^. Hope someday you can find it in the newspaper =P

Annice @ 6:35 pm
God loves you always
------------

Holiday Part A: The Beginning
6.1.07

It’s just the beginning of my holiday. However, I was put into my deepest sorrow?? Hahaha… not that bad, but I won’t deny that I am pretty frustrated now.

My heart, my mind and soul::
I don’t know why you always fussy about what I believe, or what my faith is. Why are you nagging me with all your stupid stories? I am not you, and you are not me. So, how the hell are you trying to change me?

Look at me! I know you can’t understand my body language. But, isn’t it obvious?
I don’t look stressed, yet my heart is painfully torn. I love you, but why do you start this hatred to grow? It is like you know me better than anyone else, yet you know nothing.

When you give me none but restraint, it’s not wrong to say that our relationship is not that good. I pity you because even though your idea seems flawless, the fact is that it will bring you to ‘nothing’. You make me answer the questions, make me swear, and make me refuse my heart. However, you can’t put me into your world.

Yap, I can’t utter these words. But I am thankful that I still have a place to share. At least my mind has cooled down for this moment.

Annice @ 1:50 am
God loves you always
------------

2007 and holidays
4.1.07

Yay!!! I know it's kinda late to wish "Happy New Year 2007" now. But yah, I did it!! Hahaha...Ok, I wish all the best for this new year. Something special, something amusing, something exciting will brigthen your heart all over the year..

Anyways, I am in my sweet hometown now, trying to spend my holiday wisely. Hahaha.. honestly, I don't know what I have been doing. I feel that even though I am on holiday, I still cannot totally 'rest'. It's really weird to say this, but I don't feel any excitement when all my family surrounds me. I am not saying that I am not happy or glad to see them. It is just... I am feeling insecure, and sometimes I play a role that the truth wasn't me at all.

I really have a lot of time here, yet I haven't made my new year resolutions or whatsoever. I don't know why, but it seems that I am running away from 'the burden'. Fiuh... If you don't get what I mean, forget what I've written above. I don't even know what I am whinging about. I am so tired now, very sleepy.. Since Li-Shan can't go online on MSN, I think I will sleep early today. Haha... I love sleeping at these kinds of situation. And these past few days, I did sleep very often.

Annice @ 1:19 am
God loves you always
------------

because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God - Romans 8:14