Off.the.Record

After Some Time
25.10.06

Hi again. I can't belive I have never blogged for the past three weeks. Anyway, the story goes on. After struggling to find a job. I got one. Yea...
I work in baskin robbins now. Well, even though I am still in training, I think I will get the job =) so optimistic.

However, I don't know why. I just feel the job is not the one that I want. Well, apart from my financial condition right now, I HAVE to work. I think it's just human nature that humans are hardly satisfied =(

And... what do I want to say next. Ah, I'll have a volunteer job's intervew. Haha.. among all the job matters, I got this one. I really have no idea why I am doing this. It is not simply I want my PR application to be granted or what. I have been thinking like this... how can I get when I never want to give.
Fiuh... That's probably a good reason to start volunteering.

Annice @ 10:42 pm
God loves you always
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It's screaming
1.10.06

Read this first::
I am just in my deepest blue, in my desperate mood. Please ignore this entry, I simply posted it since it calm myself down (at least). I know, in the future, when I look back to this, I will be very regretful.::

These past few days have become very bad for me. For the first time I feel very useless and shitty. Well, it is not the first time, I reckon. Two years ago when I was in high school, I felt so. I know when this stress comes to me, I would sleep a lot. Yup, I really hope when I open my eyes in the next few hours, I will be able to forget it or at least think positively. But, it seems to be very difficult in this situation. This problem, my way of thinking over some stupid matters, is still haunting me. It's still there when I wake up and... I really have no words to say.

I admit that it is all about jobs. Once my brain processes those things, I keep on questioning myself. And I couldn't help it. I can't understand how other people can get jobs easily, or how they can get two decent jobs at the same time, while I am struggling with my financial condition like an idiot. It is suck, and I HATE people saying that I ain't serious enough to look for one. Hate it when I've tried my best, when I've had my every desperate hope, when I've spent every single second, and all I got is nothing.

It irritates me a lot. And I started comparing myself to them. I have ENOUGH skils or sometimes BETTER than them, but why it is hard for me to even get one. It is damn sickening!

Seems that everything has gone worse... On top of all that, I've hurt everyone's feelings. I mean... them who are close to me. I just can't understand. One small matter could annoy me so much, and then I just can't even see the right thing. Everything is just wrong, what everyone's done is wrong, what I am doing is even worse. I hate this feeling. HATE IT!!!!

Arghhhh...see what I've done?!! I just sleep, wake up, sleep again and show my ugly grumpy face. I haven't even done my assignments that I should've finished during week break. Yet, I fall into the same problems over and over again.

Annice @ 7:37 pm
God loves you always
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Jatuh dan terjatuh lagi

Hari ini aku merasa down lagi. Aku enggak ngerti gimana ngejelasinnya, sesuatu yang mungkin aku enggak mengerti kenapa, sesuatu yang mungkin juga aku tahu meski aku enggak yakin.

Apa benar mimpiku terlalu tinggi? Layaknya balon yang diharapkan terbang tinggi tapi kenyataannya untuk lepas dari pegangan saja dia tak sanggup. Sedih sekali ngeliatinnya. Beberapa hari ini, aku sendiri ngerasa aku harus belajar. Entah belajar untuk menaruh pengharapan pada yang benar ataupun yang lain, aku nggak yakin.

Akhir-akhir ini, setiap orang yang berarti dalam hidupku atau setidaknya orang yang aku anggap punya pengaruh besar dalam diriku membuatku kecewa. Ya, aku tahu kalau setiap dari kita adalah manusia. Yang masih mempunyai perasaan, ego diri dan emosi. Yang entah benar atau salah, masih mau mempertahankan argumen terakhirnya. Tetapi apa tidak terlalu kebetulan kalau kekecewaan ini datangnya berurutan dari mereka? Dan, bukankah kekecewaan itu timbul karena adanya harapan? Apakah itu berarti aku menaruh harapan pada manusia? Apa itu salah?

Aku sedih, falling into my deepest blue. Tapi tetep nggak tahu gimana melukiskan kata sedih itu. Aku akui kalo air mata ini menetes tanpa berkompromi denganku. Sejenak aku menguatkan diri untuk mempunyai harapan yang lain. Namun sekali lagi tidak ada balon yang lepas dari ikatannya. Lalu aku berpikir, apakah harapan ini benar adanya. Berpikir... kalaupun benar, jalan serumit apapun aku sanggupi. Tetapi itu tidak semudah itu. Aku jatuh dan itu sakit. Sakit sampai batinku menjerit cukup, sudahi saja, Tuhan. Jalan selangkah ke depan, aku saja tidak tahu. Di mana kaki ini menginjak, aku pun buta.

Ya, aku sedang belajar.

Kini, setidaknya aku lebih ngerti. Bahwa untuk menjalankan komitmen, untuk berjalan dalam janji, untuk membutakan mata ini, sangatlah susah. Ketika kamu melihat lingkunganmu yang serba 'itu', dirimu layaknya memaksakan untuk 'itu'. Tidakkah kamu bertanya-tanya setidaknya kamu mendapatkan bagian untuk 'itu'? Tapi akan semuanya itu, aku mau belajar dan juga mau diajar untuk melihat dengan mata rohani ini. Aku masih mau menaruh pengharapanku. Menaruhnya pada yang benar. Karena sebenarnya aku tahu, bahwa kenyataan akan pengharapan itu ada dan bahkan sudah ada.

and He told me so...

Annice @ 4:42 am
God loves you always
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because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God - Romans 8:14